QUOTE

QUOTE

UNQUOTE

let ‘er rip.

also—keep the nutgraf thing going… we are starting to get somewhere. Later today I will post a few more GOOD EXAMPLES (a la Jose’s sado-maso one....) Also… don’t forget to order at Starbucks.

I think Bud’s essay is very good. I think you did a fabulous job of making it even better. You took out unnecessary words. (i.e., raised the Flesch Score!) You changed some fat words to concrete. You shortened some bits. (Flesch Lives!) You got rid of extra adverbs and weak adjectives.

That is good editing.

Here are a few thoughts on some deeper editing that will help you make future things, whether releases, or essays, or speeches, even better!

Point I: Parallel sentences.

When you have several items in a row in a sentence, those items should be PARALLEL in structure. (adjectives should go with adjectives; verbs with verbs, prepositional phrases with prepositional phrases, etc.)

Example: Government of the people, by the people, for the people.

In this example, the parallel bits are the prepositional phrases beginning with of, by and for.

“Parallelism,” as it is stupidly called, creates rhythm. It creates ease of understanding. It creates units of information.  And thus, it creates integrity.

It would have been stupid indeed for the Founders to say:

Government of the people, by the people, and for everyone to use.

The first two phrases are parallel – i.e., mirror each other in structure. The third phrase hangs out in the air like a bad burrito.

Example:

Maria was kind, loving, smart, and on top of that, loved beautiful clothes.

(First three in the list are adjectives. Fourth one is a clause that sticks out like a sore thumb.)

Parallel would be:

Maria was kind, loving, smart, and on top of that, fashionable.

Here is a bit from the great essay you guys worked on, that is UN-parallel:

Where some see danger in humankind’s race toward an uncertain future, entrepreneurs see opportunity.  Where some see problems, they see new solutions. Where some are frightened by change, they envision a way to transform something into something permanently better.

Let’s analyze, by breaking the bits into a visual hit:

Where some see danger in humankind’s race toward an uncertain future, entrepreneurs see opportunity.  (parallel!  Both use see, plus an object)

Where some see problems, they see new solutions. (Parallel! but the word “new” kind of throws it off a bit, because there is no parallel “new” in the previous phrase. Might want to either add a “new” to “problems,” or (better), delete the “new” from solutions)

Where some are frightened by change, they envision a way to transform something into something permanently better.  (Oops. “Are frightened” is not followed by a parallel construction in the next part. To make it parallel, you would need to have an “are” construction:

Where some are frightened by change, they are EMBOLDENED. Period)

Further, the addition of that last bit --- transform something into something permanently better—to the two parallel pieces makes it sound like the train forgot to put on its brakes.

Even more important, this phrase—transform something into something permanently better – has a Flesch 0. Hmmmm.

[i]As a general rule, if you have a phrase in a piece of writing that is a Flesch 0, you should probably get rid of it. If it is a Flesch 0, that probably means that it provides ZERO added value.

Here is original of graf:
Where some see danger in humankind’s race toward an uncertain future, entrepreneurs see opportunity.  Where some see problems, they see new solutions. Where some are frightened by change, they envision a way to transform something into something permanently better. 
FLESCH:  43.9

Here is same graf, using simple parallel structure (as described above), and getting rid of that mud-pile of a phrase, transform something into something permanently better. And then adding a kicker (end thought) to the whole thing:

Where some see danger in humankind’s race toward an uncertain future, entrepreneurs see opportunity.  Where some see problems, they see solutions. Where some are frightened by change, they are emboldened.
They see the possible.
FLESCH 58.8

Please go to: PUNCHLINES

A punchline (dictionary definition) is:
“The climactic phrase or sentence in a joke, speech, advertisement, humorous story, etc., that produces the desired effect.”

I would add to that: the climactic WORD in a sentence that adds the punch.
The meaning.
The hit. 

I talk to reporters about this all the time. A recent example:
A reporter was working on a story about sea turtles. She had this sentence:

The sea turtles will either end up flattened on the highway, or not make it back to their nests, authorities said.

Good information. Visual information. But the sentence is bass-akwards. I told her to PUT THE FLATTENED TURTLES at the end of the sentence – i.e., the punchline position.

Here is the rewrite:

Authorities said the turtles would either not make it back to their nests, or end up on the highway flattened. 

The strong visual of the turtles getting flattened on the highway now ends up being the HIT of the sentence. It is a strong punchline.

It has punch.  Power. Impact. It has an oh-my-god factor.

General rule: try to use the strongest word or image to end a sentence or paragraph or list with.

That is using punchline power.

That said, here is another, more sophisticated thing about punchlines.

If a word or an idea has a SPECIAL PLACE in a piece of writing – i.e., it is the star, it is the main idea, it is the CORE— then save it for only special places in the piece.
For emphasis, for punchlines.
Don’t use it indiscriminately.

If it is a special word, it is not equal to other words. It has more power, more meaning, more authority.

For example: 

Here are the opening lines to Melville’s masterpiece Moby Dick:

Call me Ishmael. Some years ago - never mind how long precisely - having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world.

Analysis: The SPECIAL message – the thing everything else moves toward, leads up to, builds toward, is sailing to see the watery part of the world.

It would have been silly of Melville to say:

Call me Ishmael. Some years ago - never mind how long precisely - having little or no money at all in the world in my purse, and nothing in the world to interest me here on shore where there are no sailing vessels and no watery parts to explore , I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world.

You can see that by adding in his “punchline” material – sailing, watery world – to the beginning bit, it takes out all the PUNCH out of that last beautiful bit. His powerful words “sailing to see the watery part of the world” become just like all the other words!

They are equal. Not special.

The same goes for the pieces you write and edit, whether press releases, essays, or speeches.

Back to Bud’s lovely essay:

The SPECIAL IDEA is – transformation.
It is the surprise.
It is the powerful element.
It is word whose definition is the underpinning to the whole piece.

Let’s look, with a fresh “punch-line educated eye” at what happens there up top: 

Where some see danger in humankind’s race toward an uncertain future, entrepreneurs see opportunity.  Where some see problems, they see new solutions. Where some are frightened by change, they envision a way to transform something into something permanently better.

These earliest years of the 21st century are proving to be a new age of social innovation— offering a golden opportunity for the foundation created by Jack and Jim Knight to discover and seed transformative ways to improve journalism and community life.
(FLESCH 51.6)

We have used, in the above passage, the “special word” TRANSFORM/ TRANFORMATION three different times, before using it as a punchline! The word transformation (or transform) has been diluted in meaning by indiscriminate use. It is just another word. 

IF you KEEP THE SPECIAL WORD “transformation” or “transform” out – until you get to a punchline that delivers it for the first time, here is what you get:

So much information … but how much knowledge?

They see a chance to transform.

These earliest years of the 21st century are a new age of social innovation. They offer a new opportunity for the foundation created by Jack and Jim Knight to discover and seed new ways to improve journalism and community life.

Not only to improve them, but to transform them.
FLESCH 65.3 – raised score 15 points just by doing these simple things. [b]And most important, allowed the word/ concept “transform/ transformation” to be the star of the piece, rather than just another word being tossed around. 

questions, comments, arguments, the whole thing, using tools below, please.

Duluth LISC today announced that a $500,000 grant from the John S. and James L. Knight Foundation will make five Duluth neighborhoods significant participants in a national effort to involve residents in long-term planning physical improvements and comprehensive community development.  FLESCH: 0
The neighborhoods – Central and East Hillside, Lincoln Park, Morgan Park, and West Duluth – are already targets of LISC’s Creating Neighborhoods That Work – At Home in Duluth Sustainable Community strategy to transform distressed areas into healthy communities of choice and opportunity – good places to work, do business and raise children. LISC, the nation’s leading community development support organization, has been working in Duluth neighborhoods since 1997 and was selected as one of 10 LISC Sustainable Community demonstration sites in 2006.  FLESCH 3.9

Please read and think about these Writing Basics, and the Newswriting Basics below: 

Point 1: Writing is the tool we use to express ideas in print.
—Simple trumps complex.
—Short trumps long.
—Clear trumps muddled.
—The above is harder than it sounds. It requires vigilance.

Point 2: The primary job of people who write the news (along with accuracy and fairness) is to clarify, sometimes even translate, for a mass audience.
-- Clarifying a complex idea or bureaucratic mouthful requires that the reporter understand what’s going on.
-- One of the biggest mistakes beginning reporters make: Trying to write something they don’t fully understand.
-- Don’t ever be afraid to ask a source (no matter how “important"): “Can you please explain that in terms that a fourth grader could understand?” Eighty percent of the time they won’t flinch at the question. The other 20 percent ... well, that’s their problem. Just ask them again. Nicely.

Point 3: Adhere to the basic laws of organization:
-- Keep the stuff that belongs together, together.
-- Follow the basic laws of chronology: First this happened, then that, then the other, and then the following summer, this other.
(You would be astounded to know how many beginning reporters write the journalistic equivalent of, “I went to the store. I made breakfast. I woke up. I bought some eggs. I came home,” instead of the chronological, “I woke up. I went to the store. I bought some eggs. I came home. I made breakfast.")
-- Use quotes, examples and anecdotes as illustrations of a summary statement or main point. Put the quote/ example AFTER the summary/point so that the two become a complete informational unit. Otherwise, the quote/ example will just hang in the air like a bad burrito.

Point 4: Adhere to the laws of how the human brain processes information.
—In general, start sentences with the subject of the sentence rather than with an introductory phrase or clause.  ("The dog bit the cat” versus “After what seemed like an unending standoff between the two domesticated animals, the dog bit the cat.") Your reader’s brain will thank you.
—In general, use basic subject-verb-object sentence structures.
—In general, place elements in a sentence where they would be if you were speaking. ("On Tuesday, the commission voted against the measure” versus “The commission Tuesday voted against the measure.")
—In general, break up long complex sentences into separate sentences. Again, your reader’s brain…

Writing the News

Interesting thing about newswriting. It is a shorthand for being able to tell a WHOLE STORY directly, succinctly, clearly.

Since roughly the end of the 19th Century, newswriting has adhered to this fundamental law of information gathering and vetting:

WHO? WHAT? WHEN? WHERE? HOW? WHY?

If you look at a basic news story, you can see how those information gathering/ vetting questions operate:

HAVANA - Cuban shoppers (WHO) are snapping up DVD players, motorbikes and electric rice cookers (WHAT) that are going on sale to the general public for the first time (WHEN).

Lines stretch out the doors (HOW) of major government department stores (WHERE) as Cubans gaze at the new gadgets on display.

The goods that went on sale Tuesday (WHEN) previously were available only to foreigners. But the government of new President Raul Castro has lifted that ban. (WHY)

Important: 

Who-What-When-Where-How-Why is more than a tool for journalistic information gathering.

It is a path of inquiry that leads to human comprehension of an event or an issue. It is the DNA of a complete thought.

We will be coming back to this tool—WWWWHW as path of inquiry—during the course of the coaching program.
Please start thinking about it as a tool for understanding the material you are working with:

WHO is asking for the grant? (What’s their background? Experience? What makes them the group to pull this thing off?)
WHAT are they proposing to do? (They want money to do WHAT? How will they spend it? Who will get it? What would their idea look like if you could draw it on paper?)
HOW will they accomplish this? (What activities will they do with the money)?
WHEN are they expected to get this done by? (What is the timeline for activity A, B, C; for completion, etc.)
WHY should we give them money? What’s the bigger picture here? The wider-world “Opportunity?")?

Comment using tools below: Thoughts? Anything new? Questions? Comments? This is a CONVERSATION!!! thx

1. The Joe Schmoe Family Foundation today announced it is awarding $138,000 through its Better Beginnings initiative to Seedco to enable increased numbers of River City’s low-wage workers and their families to participate in its EarnBenefits program. EarnBenefits helps families to obtain financial stability and economic mobility that are critical to fostering positive outcomes for parents and young children. FLESCH: 0
A national nonprofit organization, Seedco partners with community organizations to create economic opportunities for workers who are struggling to move out of poverty. EarnBenefits uses a web-based technology tool and case management services to connect low-wage workers to a range of income-enhancing public and private benefits, such as tax credits, food stamps, health insurance, and bank accounts. FLESCH 10.1.

Brief analysis of why each piece above has such a low Flesch:
— Each paragraph has a series of polysyllabic words—most of which mean nothing on their face, i.e., have no inherent visual or quantitative substance.
-- Further, the sentences in each graf are very long.
-- Also, if you stop to analyze, you would be hard pressed to find any VISUAL CONCRETE subject and verb anywhere....

Before we start, though:

Your enthusiasm for Flesch inspired me to write an essay about using it, hopefully for the Chronicle of Philanthropy (haven’t submitted it to them yet.) The essay has the following how-to side bar, that I thought I would try out with you first, to use as a guide for this exercise:

Action Sidebar to FLESCH

Using Flesch
Here are steps that any writer at any foundation can take to get clearer writing:

1. First, find and record the Flesch Score on a piece of writing.
If it’s below 30 but above 20, you are well on your way. If it’s 20, 10 or below, you have your work cut out for you.
2.  Then, pepper the piece with periods.
Go through the text (a short bit is better to start) and change every compound sentence to two simple sentences. Delete every dependent clause. If you truly need the stuff that’s in the clause, change it to a simple sentence. Task (2) alone will raise the Flesch Score by zillions (or, at least, I would hope, by 10). 
3. Next, learn to use the highlighter.
Go through the text again. This time, highlight in yellow every word that is three or more syllables. Either delete them, or use a single-syllable match. (Obviously a few three-syllable words can’t be avoided; for example, the name of your foun-da-tion). 

4. Now, go on a fearless search for jargon.
Highlight every piece of institutional jargon. Even the short ones. Translate them into real-people English. If you don’t know what they mean, e-mail or call the grantee.  Ask them to explain. Tell them to do it in simple and concrete words that a third-grader would understand.

If you follow these steps, I promise you that the Flesch Score for your piece of writing will be at least 10, probably 20 or more, points higher than it was at the outset.

Marc: Here is the exercise, if you are up for it.

-- Follow the above guidelines in the sidebar

-- Cut and paste the story top above in your response.
Go through and highlight with bold and then red (tools above) each word that non-visual and polysyllabic.
-- Go through and bold and highlight in green each piece of information that is concrete and visual.

-- In the next draft, or even right in that first one, DELETE all the polysyllabic un-words, and try to find a shorter, more direct and visual alternative.
If you cannot come up with a concrete alternative for the words in red, it is probably because the words are so vague that not even Daniel Webster would be able to dig up a synonym.

Just note in your comment where that is the case.

If that is the case, then just try to write around it with shorter words.

-- Don’t bother with the quotes. Can’t change ‘em.

Also:
— Make every compound sentence into two simple sentences.
—Drop every dependent clause and make it either a separate sentence, or drop it all together if it doesn’t anything.

Let’s try to raise the Flesch to at least 25 in each paragraph through this exercise.

To Flesch it, you might have to copy and paste and put into Word.

As you do this, be sure to comment on what you discover about what the words and phrases used in these bits add up to.

Fun!
Tips for using posting tools: If you bold first, you have to highlight AROUND the bold marks when you go to use color. If you highlight in color first, you need to highlight AROUND the color marks before you bold.

I’ll start by reposting the Gangrey Web site link: http://www.gangrey.com. Again, this is a site run by a few St. Pete Times writers dedicated to ferreting out narratives from across the country.

Also, earlier this month Tom French of the St. Pete Times dropped his latest opus. This one’s about the zoo. I just came across this today and haven’t had a chance to read it, but figured I’d pass along:

http://tinyurl.com/3dw6zl

DQ #1: What makes a good lede? What makes a bad one? Have you written a great lede, either first week of internship or elsewhere? Post, pls!

Read these ledes/story tops below. Choose the one you like best. Tell us what’s good about, why you like it, what you might be able to steal/borrow/model for something of yours?

Bonus question: What do all these story tops/ledes have in common?

Ex. 1: Story on long-time postal worker retiring:  Chips Quinn intern Cindy Santos, Summer 2006:
After nearly a half-century of delivering letters, Walter Benson on Wednesday turned in his mail satchel for the last time.
“This is it,” Benson said, handing over his U.S. Postal Service identification badge, keys and government-issued credit card to Salinas Postmaster Irma Solis-Smith.
“An era is gone,” Solis-Smith said.

Ex. 2: Top to story about funeral of a firefighter killed earlier in the week when a gunman opened fire at a Wendy’s restaurant: Jerome Burdi, South Florida Sun-Sentinel:

Here’s how to remember Lt. Ray Vazquez: He was married to a woman who stole his heart, his children adored him and a league of firefighters considered him an inspiration.
The funeral for the Palm Beach County Fire-Rescue lieutenant Friday at Cruzan Amphitheatre brought more than 1,000 firefighters from across the state to say goodbye to the man who kept a human touch in a job filled with a succession of car crashes, medical calls and fires.
So remember him for that, speakers at the funeral said, not for his untimely death when a man shot him in the back for no apparent reason Monday at a Wendy’s restaurant west of West Palm Beach.
“Today we are here to celebrate life,” Lt. Mark Knickerbocker said.

Ex. 3: Top to a court sentencing of a 16 year old girl who pleaded guilty to shooting a classmate:  Anne Saker, Oregonian:

This summer, Pauline Sue Brooks became a felon.
Then she gave birth to a daughter.
On Monday, she went to prison.
On Wednesday, she turns 16.
Brooks of Southeast Portland received a five-year sentence in Multnomah County Circuit Court for a gang-related shooting last November in which Brooks fired a gun into the chest of a 13-year-old girl. Her long hair knotted on top of her head, her body clad in shapeless black sweats, Brooks faced Circuit Judge Alicia Fuchs to accept a punishment negotiated with the district attorney.

Ex 4: Mike Lopresetti column, Jackson Sun:
GLENDALE, Ariz. - And now, the inexplicable sounds of an unfathomable Super Bowl XLII.
Thud.
That was history.
Clank.
That was perfection.
Crash.
Those were the New England Patriots. The unbeaten New England Patriots. The renowned New England Patriots.
Oh, and one more sound.
Clink.

FELON, Anne Saker, Oregonian

This summer, Pauline Sue Brooks became a felon.
Then she gave birth to a daughter.
On Monday, she went to prison.
On Wednesday, she turns 16.
Brooks of Southeast Portland received a five-year sentence in Multnomah County Circuit Court for a gang-related shooting last November in which Brooks fired a gun into the chest of a 13-year-old girl. Her long hair knotted on top of her head, her body clad in shapeless black sweats, Brooks faced Circuit Judge Alicia Fuchs to accept a punishment negotiated with the district attorney.
When Fuchs asked Brooks if she had anything to say, Brooks’ head fell backward. When she looked at the judge again, her voice was full of tears. “I just want to say, it’s really hard,” she said. “The biggest problem is leaving my daughter.”
But Brooks said she knew she had to do her time “because of what I chose to do,” and, “I’m going to make the best out of a bad situation.” “That’s the only thing you can do,” Fuchs replied softly. “There are a lot of ways that you will be a mother to this child.”
In the gallery of Courtroom 324, a woman cradled the dark-haired 2-month-old baby. After the sentencing, the woman declined to speak about Brooks or herself.

Brooks originally was charged with attempted murder for shooting Brittany Cruz, 13, on Nov. 12 with what police described as a small-caliber pistol.
Police summoned to Southeast 82nd Avenue and Foster Road that night found Cruz suffering a gunshot wound. Witnesses told police that two groups of girls had met, one group asked the other about its gang ties, and Brooks and Cruz argued. Then Brooks pulled out the gun and shot Cruz.
Cruz is recovering from her injuries. The district attorney wanted Brooks to testify against the man police say gave her the gun, Jose Ramon Zavala-Leon, 24.
Police said he was a member of the Latino gang Southside Trece. Brooks agreed, and she pleaded guilty to the reduced charge of attempted first-degree assault with a firearm on June 2.
A week later, Zavala-Leon committed suicide at his home in Wood Village.
Monday, as the paperwork for her sentencing was completed, Brooks looked over at prosecutor Rod Underhill, who said, “Good luck.” She nodded.
Her lawyer, Kathy Berger, touched her on the shoulder. Brooks stood for a deputy to fasten the handcuffs.
As he led her out, Brooks looked at the woman holding her daughter, and said, “Bye.”

Any and all. Best idea response wins an astounding prize!!!

Deadline JJune 18. Don’t forget to check in with the latest at STARBUCKS. Keep posting to ledes when and if you have a good one (or a question about a bad one...)

See ya