how to start world war three

last night i

tried to unite

the planet in holiday peace

but instead i almost

started world war three

 

i wanted to be

a portly purveyor

of global understanding

like the round fellow in a red suit

carrying a sack of teletubbies

 

so i went to the most

powerful communication

machine yet

the alta vista translation site

on the world wide web

where my english

would change magically

to other languages

 

i wrote this holiday

message to be

sent

round the world

in eighty words

 

quote

 

it is i

bernie the roach

media critic

friend of humankind

friend of insect and elephant

too

bringing you a message

of peace on earth

and goodwill toward

all beings

 

in this era

of interconnectedness

let us have

a global village

of light

not of darkness

 

let us work together

selflessly

to put the

u

in future

let us make

the twenty first century

the first in history

without war or hunger

or disease or strife

 

let us get

a life

 

unquote

 

first alta vista

translated my messsage

into french

then back

to the original roach s

english

 

i became

bernie

friend of criticism

 

back and forth

into german

and i became

bernie

the friend of childchild

 

the italian software

turned me into

bug of the child

of the childchild

 

etcetera

etcetera

then to make matters

worse the computer slipped

in a phrase about

a total village vacation

 

the spanish threw in

something about gold

 

i really would rather not

discuss

what the portugese program did

 

my message was meant

to go round the world

in eighty words

but made it only

partway through

europe

before becoming

utterly

unrecognizable

unintelligeable

unutterable

and very nearly unprintable

 

no wonder there

are so many wars there

 

in addition

in the true spirit

of the united nations

my holiday hope

managed to grow

from eighty words to

one hundred

 

here is the final

shape of my verbal shadow

edited back to eighty words

that almost make sense

 

quote

 

failure of young

operation childchild

critical friend bernie to the east

and elephant

one equal mutual age

to arrest

network nature

one single peace message

a pleasant consideration

total density

work

vacation village selflessly

in that one

for future authorization

just you in twenty one

the century

in the first place

in history without war

or is that you

who

the dimension of a variable

famished

for the disease

or the contradictions

leave us to an

extension of life

for verification

 

unquote

 

boss

this lapse of language

convinces me

we have gone about

the digital revolution

all backwards

 

we should not have trusted

computers

with weapons

of mass destruction

until they proved they

could simply talk to each other

 

same with people too

 

-- bernie